So this is 22 years and 11 months

There’s something strange about being restless 
Feeling lost 
Out of touch 
Without direction  
Stuck 
It’s almost like getting tagged when you play octopus 
You end up flailing your arms around reaching for anything you can  
But never grasping a tight enough hold on anything 

People say to keep your options open 
More options means more back up plans means more choices when you give up on pursuing the others 
Now that I’ve finished my degree I guess I’m supposed to feel some sense of ‘accomplishment’ 
Like I’ve reached a milestone 
I’m successful 
I’m better now than I was before  
If that’s true then why am I the way I am right now? 
It’s not that I don’t value my education 
It’s not that I’m ungrateful for my privilege 
But it’s that I yearn for more 
And I know I was meant to

I may not be a millionaire 
Or own a home or a car or a stable job with benefits 
But I’d like to believe that within my demographic this is as close to the top as I can get 
And at this 'top' is emptiness 
You and I were meant for more 
And that’s why we yearn for more 

I don’t know what your situation is 
I don’t know how much you own, how much you make or how much you have 
You and I need to be reminded that beauty fades, money runs out, homes weather, cars break down, people fail and loved ones die 
Happiness is temporary  
Nothing is stable 
Everything is meaningless, utterly meaningless

What’s strange about restlessness is the fact that I can recognize it when it comes
What’s strange is that I know what it means to NOT be restless
To have peace
To be calm
To be okay
Or at least to suppress it for long enough to get through my day without being paralyzed by fear 

Imagine if restlessness was all I knew
If tomorrow was all I had to look forward to
If my hope rested in the expectation that the next five minutes, ten minutes, hour would go exactly as I planned
This life would be my only purpose
Thankfully, everything is meaningless in light of that which is beyond comprehension
Beyond imagination
Everything I now know as joy, peace and hope at their best will grow dim against the brilliance of holiness, perfection and justice

This is not home

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