Paralysis.
Below is something I found in my phone that was written on April 18th, 2016. I've made some very minor edits and a "conclusion".
I'm set free but feel like I'm being held captive.
Let me explain.
Hi, I'm that voice in the back of your head that tells you there's someone that watches you when you sleep. When you were younger I told you there was something big and scary that lived under your bed or in your closet. Yup, I'm that same voice that tells you not to look in the mirror in the middle of the night, and to pee when you have to or you'll increase your chances of getting a UTI. Seriously.
Sometimes I warn you of legitimate things, like taking precautions when driving in stormy weather, or being aware of your surroundings when you're out late at night. Other times I like to embellish. You know, over the top stuff.
Like telling you to prepare for a crash every time you hear an airplane flying overhead. Or that there's probably a bomb on your subway train and you better have told your parents you love them while you had the chance.
A mentally ill gunman is going to walk into your store and start randomly shooting, so you had better plan a good hiding place before it's too late.
That wind's getting pretty strong - are you prepared for a hurricane?
I can scale it down too.
Tonight's the night - someone's definitely breaking into your house tonight.
You asked him to text you once he gets home and he should have been home by now - he probably got into a car accident.
The house is too quiet but your mom should be home - someone probably slashed her throat and left her in the bathroom in a pool of her blood.
Yeah. Death is my specialty.
Surprisingly, little things that don't really matter really get to you.
You don't work enough hours - they probably think you're lazy.
You study for hours but your grades don't show for it - you probably won't pass the class.
They don't like you because you're just not cool enough.
They talk behind your back.
They probably don't think of you as close of a friend as you do them.
Will you be able to pay your bills this month?
See what I mean? Minuscule.
And yet, I crowd your mind with the most elaborate to the simplest worries - and it all works beautifully together!
Your heart beats faster, you start to get fidgety, you have trouble breathing - paralysis.
You're paralyzed by fear of imagination.
How can you trust yourself?
How can you trust the voices in your head?
You really think that I'm worth trusting?
You have no control of what I tell you, and clearly can't shut me out either.
So what's going to help you?
I hold you captive.
I'm you.
How have you so quickly forgotten?
You focus in on the meaningless crap that floods your mind and fail to see the big picture.
You fail to see who really is in control of it all.
This was me over two years ago. Jump to the present day, November 28, 2018.
It's strange. I don't remember typing this down at all, yet these emotions and feelings of paralysis are all so very familiar.
I probably wrote this on a lunch break at work or on the train during my commute to school. Or maybe some other time. Either way, it would have been a good chunk of time being enveloped in these suffocating emotions.
After the Paris bomb attacks, I didn't want to go anywhere. I vowed to only take the underground subway if absolutely necessary; otherwise, I'd stay above ground where it was (supposed to be) "safer". I'd have trouble sleeping. I didn't want to get on public transportation. I preferred to pay more for the "fancier" GO Transit, just because it felt slightly safer.
But the reality is that no one place is safer than another. Danger, terrorism, stupidity, outbreaks, rage - all these terrible things will find their way into any situation as long as its determined. Evil is rampant. Sin is ever present. The enemy is ever tempting. You and I can say we would never _________, but at the end of the day, each one of us are just as capable of doing the greatest good as we are capable of doing the gravest evil.
The only escape is Christ, and even then, our foolish selves will still choose to destroy the world around us, each other, and ourselves.
The only solution is Christ, and he's done all that needs to be done to abolish evil and remove darkness.
We can never be free enough. We will never be strong enough. Fear will always paralyze us. And yet, at the same time, we can fear no evil for our God is with us.
More often than not, though, we choose evil. We choose captivity and paralysis over freedom. In some ways, it's just easier to fall stick with bad habits than it is to trade our sorrow for joy, trade our darkness for his light, and exchange our sinfulness for his righteousness. We can't imagine what this real freedom looks like. We can do nothing to help ourselves.
Frankly, we'd rather be able to take the credit and say, "I got myself out of this mess. I freed myself. Me, me, me," when reality is this: "I chose sin. Sin paralyzed me, and I can't save myself. I need a Saviour."
Then again, we don't like admitting when we're at fault, we don't want to call ourselves foolish, and no one likes admitting they need rescuing.
In many ways, paralysis is a choice, and freedom can be one, too.
I'm set free but feel like I'm being held captive.
Let me explain.
Hi, I'm that voice in the back of your head that tells you there's someone that watches you when you sleep. When you were younger I told you there was something big and scary that lived under your bed or in your closet. Yup, I'm that same voice that tells you not to look in the mirror in the middle of the night, and to pee when you have to or you'll increase your chances of getting a UTI. Seriously.
Sometimes I warn you of legitimate things, like taking precautions when driving in stormy weather, or being aware of your surroundings when you're out late at night. Other times I like to embellish. You know, over the top stuff.
Like telling you to prepare for a crash every time you hear an airplane flying overhead. Or that there's probably a bomb on your subway train and you better have told your parents you love them while you had the chance.
A mentally ill gunman is going to walk into your store and start randomly shooting, so you had better plan a good hiding place before it's too late.
That wind's getting pretty strong - are you prepared for a hurricane?
I can scale it down too.
Tonight's the night - someone's definitely breaking into your house tonight.
You asked him to text you once he gets home and he should have been home by now - he probably got into a car accident.
The house is too quiet but your mom should be home - someone probably slashed her throat and left her in the bathroom in a pool of her blood.
Yeah. Death is my specialty.
Surprisingly, little things that don't really matter really get to you.
You don't work enough hours - they probably think you're lazy.
You study for hours but your grades don't show for it - you probably won't pass the class.
They don't like you because you're just not cool enough.
They talk behind your back.
They probably don't think of you as close of a friend as you do them.
Will you be able to pay your bills this month?
See what I mean? Minuscule.
And yet, I crowd your mind with the most elaborate to the simplest worries - and it all works beautifully together!
Your heart beats faster, you start to get fidgety, you have trouble breathing - paralysis.
You're paralyzed by fear of imagination.
How can you trust yourself?
How can you trust the voices in your head?
You really think that I'm worth trusting?
You have no control of what I tell you, and clearly can't shut me out either.
So what's going to help you?
I hold you captive.
I'm you.
How have you so quickly forgotten?
You focus in on the meaningless crap that floods your mind and fail to see the big picture.
You fail to see who really is in control of it all.
This was me over two years ago. Jump to the present day, November 28, 2018.
It's strange. I don't remember typing this down at all, yet these emotions and feelings of paralysis are all so very familiar.
I probably wrote this on a lunch break at work or on the train during my commute to school. Or maybe some other time. Either way, it would have been a good chunk of time being enveloped in these suffocating emotions.
After the Paris bomb attacks, I didn't want to go anywhere. I vowed to only take the underground subway if absolutely necessary; otherwise, I'd stay above ground where it was (supposed to be) "safer". I'd have trouble sleeping. I didn't want to get on public transportation. I preferred to pay more for the "fancier" GO Transit, just because it felt slightly safer.
But the reality is that no one place is safer than another. Danger, terrorism, stupidity, outbreaks, rage - all these terrible things will find their way into any situation as long as its determined. Evil is rampant. Sin is ever present. The enemy is ever tempting. You and I can say we would never _________, but at the end of the day, each one of us are just as capable of doing the greatest good as we are capable of doing the gravest evil.
The only escape is Christ, and even then, our foolish selves will still choose to destroy the world around us, each other, and ourselves.
The only solution is Christ, and he's done all that needs to be done to abolish evil and remove darkness.
We can never be free enough. We will never be strong enough. Fear will always paralyze us. And yet, at the same time, we can fear no evil for our God is with us.
More often than not, though, we choose evil. We choose captivity and paralysis over freedom. In some ways, it's just easier to fall stick with bad habits than it is to trade our sorrow for joy, trade our darkness for his light, and exchange our sinfulness for his righteousness. We can't imagine what this real freedom looks like. We can do nothing to help ourselves.
Frankly, we'd rather be able to take the credit and say, "I got myself out of this mess. I freed myself. Me, me, me," when reality is this: "I chose sin. Sin paralyzed me, and I can't save myself. I need a Saviour."
Then again, we don't like admitting when we're at fault, we don't want to call ourselves foolish, and no one likes admitting they need rescuing.
In many ways, paralysis is a choice, and freedom can be one, too.
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