So this is 22 years and 11 months
There’s something strange about being restless
Feeling lost
Out of touch
Without direction
Stuck
It’s almost like getting tagged when you play octopus
You end up flailing your arms around reaching for anything you can
But never grasping a tight enough hold on anything
People say to keep your options open
More options means more back up plans means more choices when you give up on pursuing the others
Now that I’ve finished my degree I guess I’m supposed to feel some sense of ‘accomplishment’
Like I’ve reached a milestone
I’m successful
I’m better now than I was before
If that’s true then why am I the way I am right now?
It’s not that I don’t value my education
It’s not that I’m ungrateful for my privilege
But it’s that I yearn for more
And I know I was meant to
I may not be a millionaire
Or own a home or a car or a stable job with benefits
But I’d like to believe that within my demographic this is as close to the top as I can get
And at this 'top' is emptiness
You and I were meant for more
And that’s why we yearn for more
I don’t know what your situation is
I don’t know how much you own, how much you make or how much you have
You and I need to be reminded that beauty fades, money runs out, homes weather, cars break down, people fail and loved ones die
Happiness is temporary
Nothing is stable
Everything is meaningless, utterly meaningless
What’s strange about restlessness is the fact that I can recognize it when it comes
What’s strange is that I know what it means to NOT be restless
To have peace
To be calm
To be okay
Or at least to suppress it for long enough to get through my day without being paralyzed by fear
Imagine if restlessness was all I knew
If tomorrow was all I had to look forward to
If my hope rested in the expectation that the next five minutes, ten minutes, hour would go exactly as I planned
This life would be my only purpose
Thankfully, everything is meaningless in light of that which is beyond comprehension
Beyond imagination
Everything I now know as joy, peace and hope at their best will grow dim against the brilliance of holiness, perfection and justice
This is not home
Feeling lost
Out of touch
Without direction
Stuck
It’s almost like getting tagged when you play octopus
You end up flailing your arms around reaching for anything you can
But never grasping a tight enough hold on anything
People say to keep your options open
More options means more back up plans means more choices when you give up on pursuing the others
Now that I’ve finished my degree I guess I’m supposed to feel some sense of ‘accomplishment’
Like I’ve reached a milestone
I’m successful
I’m better now than I was before
If that’s true then why am I the way I am right now?
It’s not that I don’t value my education
It’s not that I’m ungrateful for my privilege
But it’s that I yearn for more
And I know I was meant to
I may not be a millionaire
Or own a home or a car or a stable job with benefits
But I’d like to believe that within my demographic this is as close to the top as I can get
And at this 'top' is emptiness
You and I were meant for more
And that’s why we yearn for more
I don’t know what your situation is
I don’t know how much you own, how much you make or how much you have
You and I need to be reminded that beauty fades, money runs out, homes weather, cars break down, people fail and loved ones die
Happiness is temporary
Nothing is stable
Everything is meaningless, utterly meaningless
What’s strange about restlessness is the fact that I can recognize it when it comes
What’s strange is that I know what it means to NOT be restless
To have peace
To be calm
To be okay
Or at least to suppress it for long enough to get through my day without being paralyzed by fear
Imagine if restlessness was all I knew
If tomorrow was all I had to look forward to
If my hope rested in the expectation that the next five minutes, ten minutes, hour would go exactly as I planned
This life would be my only purpose
Thankfully, everything is meaningless in light of that which is beyond comprehension
Beyond imagination
Everything I now know as joy, peace and hope at their best will grow dim against the brilliance of holiness, perfection and justice
This is not home
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