Vacation Responder

End now.

For all of last week, I had a "Delayed response due to family emergency" vacation responder set for my inbox. I remember setting it up with no end date. Indefinite. It's weird that we're here now, a week later, and things are looking up. 

I went on YouTube to check the church livestream from last Sunday. I don't know why I would want to relive one of the scariest moments of my life, but I did. Turns out, we never published the stream. We ended it but it didn't get published.

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Ah. I just checked the backend of the YouTube channel and the recording is still there. My heart dropped a bit. And now that curiosity to watch it is long gone. 

This whole week I’ve been preparing myself for death. I never thought we’d get here. At all.

I still have a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that Pa will actually get discharged soon. First it was Saturday, then today, and now to be determined. We're glad they aren't in a rush to release him. He has everything he needs there.

I wonder if I’m being too sensitive. We decided to visit another friend's church this Sunday. I wasn't ready to face the "scene of the crime" back at our church.

But when we return next week and inevitably get asked so many questions, I don’t know if I’ll be ready to respond at all. I kinda just want a hug. 

I wonder if people would have the same amount of compassion and sensitivity that they would if Pa did pass. I know that his condition now is not as "grievous" as death, but the weight of exhaustion and anxiety that the family carries is still hard.

Is it acceptable for me to feel the way I do? 

“Why not? What makes something acceptable?” I hear my therapist say. 

I'm slowly learning what my boundaries are. I'm trying to remember that I'm part of the family but it's not my responsibility to do anything. No one has asked of me to do more than I'm already doing. But I feel like I should. 

That's something I've always struggled with - recognizing the value of what I already do, not downplaying any of it, and not having to feel guilty when I don't exhaust every ounce of energy I have. 

My anxiety tells me people will be upset with me, disappointed in me. People pleasing is still a bigger issue for me than I'd like to admit. One of my core beliefs, I've learned in therapy, is that I believe I am not  impactful. So, to counter that belief, my therapist had me list everything I've done to prove to myself that I am impactful. 

It was the strangest exercise. It felt wrong, like I was "hyping" myself up and giving myself glory. But no, I could list the facts of what I did without embellishing or adding emotion, and it's just for me. 

I sent an email on this person's behalf.

I put chairs away.

I planned a meeting. 

I played piano.

My brain automatically looks for information to support my current self-critical beliefs. Finding evidence to support the new beliefs can be awkward at first, but I need to do it. I believe that you don't know what boundaries you need to set until you've crossed them or you've come very close to crossing them. 

Emotionally, I've gone a lot further than what I've physically been able to do which, in some ways, is harder because I don't have a concrete way to measure where to stop. 

Don't think. Don't worry. Those aren't very helpful things to tell an anxious mind. Maybe think about ________ instead and trust that they've got it is a better remedy? Even if it has to be like a broken record.

Letting go. Trusting God. Trusting my family. I'm not as needed as I think I am - and that's not a self-deprecating statement, but something I need to constantly remind myself of. People can take care of situations without me. I don't need to be everywhere or do everything. God is capable of everything without using me and that's okay. 

My emotional vacation responder, if I ever had one, I'd try to activate now. In a couple of weeks, I'll turn my inbox vacation responder on again. I know I'll struggle with the seemingly "heartless" act. It will be hard to let go just as it's hard to do now. But I'm learning. 

Thankfully, growth is constant. Progress is always being made. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.