This Sucks

I’m not supposed to be writing this. I’m supposed to be at a retreat center with my teammates in Quebec. I was so excited when I booked my train ticket. I planned to take the 6-hour train ride to read, pray, reflect and write. It would be an escape from the everyday and an opportunity to be renewed.

So why didn’t I go? An unexpected medical emergency brought me to the ER for 13 hours. I’m not normally an optimistic person, but for some reason, I had a pretty positive attitude. Don’t get me wrong, I was in the worst pain of my life, but I tried not to let it show too much. 

Positivity may seem like a godly trait, but I can assure you that it’s not a fruit of the spirit. I look back and realize now that there was something disingenuous about how I processed my pain. I joked with the nurses. I tried to keep a neutral face as I sat in a wheelchair, in agony, waiting and waiting and waiting to see a doctor. I prayed for strength and, despite my terrible circumstances, I wanted to “stay strong”. I didn’t allow myself to just feel disappointment, sadness, and frustration.

How often do you dismiss your own pain or hurt? Are you quick to say “but God is good!!” without really surrendering your pain to him? Are you like me and have a hard time sitting with discomfort and hurt? 

Psalm 38:8-10 reminds us that it is biblical to lament. 

"I am feeble and utterly crushed;

    I groan in anguish of heart.

All my longings lie open before you, Lord;

    my sighing is not hidden from you.

My heart pounds, my strength fails me;

    even the light has gone from my eyes."

God invites you to cry. He welcomes the sighs and cries of your heart. You don’t need to get it together. You don’t have to suppress your pain as if it is sinful to hurt. You can acknowledge your pain and still give God the glory.

My friend Kate-Lynn recently posted this and it inspired me to write: 

“I'm truly thankful to God for the ways He’s worked in my life. But Him being able to do exceedingly abundantly beyond what I ever asked or thought still doesn’t erase all the immense pain I feel…the immense pain I buried until God said it was time to face it.”

If you are hurting today, the Holy Spirit invites you to stop hiding your wounds. Drop the strong front. Let go of the idea that you need to “be happy” in order for the Lord’s glory to shine in your life. Sometimes, through deeply painful circumstances, he can work in even greater ways. 

So, friend, I encourage you to sit with your pain today. Think about how you hurt and ask the Lord to hear your cries.

This was originally published on The Life.